it’s just ridiculous

Today, the most common thought in my head has been, “Wow okay so I’m going to Paris.”

AND IT’S RIDICULOUS.

The fact that I’m going to Paris, I mean. That’s ridiculous. I’m a homeschooler from the middle of nowhere in Iowa. I get emotional over character development at least once a day. My biggest accomplishment on a typical day is washing my hair. I’m the dictionary definition of a nobody.

Yet even so…God looked at me with such love and said, “I have something so much bigger for you.”

HE WANTS TO USE ME.

I don’t know what it’s going to look like. I don’t know what to expect from any of this. I actually have taken to telling people, “I’m going to Paris for 2 months this fall and I’m super excited. That’s all I know. Don’t ask any more questions or I might have a meltdown.”

Not knowing what things are going to look like is scary. I’ve had a lot of fear about this the past week (read: the past 2 months). This fear takes every imaginable form and needles itself into my brain, making me doubt that this ever will work. The past few nights, I’ve laid in bed with so much fear inside me that I actually felt sick. What if it doesn’t happen? What if I jumped into something I shouldn’t have? What if this ends up to be a “growing experience” in which God teaches me to deal with disappointment?

This is when I have to stop, take a deep breath, and push past the fear. I have to trust God intentionally. I’ve found that sometimes the only thing I can do is push back my tears and say, “God, I don’t know if I can do this. Help.”

So when I say that my most common thought today has been, “Wow okay so I’m going to Paris,” please understand that this is so much more significant than just the fact that I’M GOING TO PARIS (which is a huge deal, by the way, in case you hadn’t noticed). This is my statement of trust. No matter what comes, I’m choosing to push past the fear and trust Him.

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